Sunday, May 10, 2015


At the end of the day, all we want is a good guy. Someone you can talk with at a decent intelligence level, someone whose character you can connect with and someone you can trust well enough to touch your heart. Well, the rest is up to our own preferences. 

Normal is for me. But come to think of it, what is normal? And how normal is normal?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : No Type by Rae Sremmurd

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Those Nights

1. Gotten - Slash ft. Adam Levine
2. Prosthetic Love - Typhoon
3. Primetime - Janelle Monae ft Miguel
4. I Miss You - Beyonce
5. Come To Me - Lily & Madeleine
6. Say You Love Me - Jessie Ware
7. Here With Me - Susie Suh
8. Fallingforyou - The 1975
9. I Believe - Skye
10. Only One - Kanye West

That's enough to describe what I'm going through to get out of the moment that was supposed to make me stay.

No. It's not you. It's that moment. And you'll carry the blame until I say I've had enough. And no, I won't be defined by what we went through. Thank you though.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Ride With Me

You know that anticipation you feel when you really put your mind into something? That warm fiery feel to reach the end of what you're doing. To know that you can enjoy looking or reminiscing about it once you're done with it. And that weirdly comfortable exhaustion you'll learn to enjoy.

Life itself is a roller coaster ride. When you're on it, you can't help but to count the seconds until it'll stop. But you know by heart, that you crave for that adrenaline rush. You know that once you're down there, you'll be able to look at how high it actually went and say, hey I was there, I did it.

Treat life as if you will look at it and say those exact words. Treat life fairly as it will always lead you to greatness and achievements. There are never one moment in life that can't be seized as an opportunity. There are no one person that coexist with your life that will not teach you a lesson or two.

There will always be another set of roller coaster ride somewhere else. And each are sickening to its core. But none of it will fail to give you that sense of achievement. Life itself is a roller coaster ride. Every single day.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Silhouette by Active Child feat Ellie Goulding

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Do You Ever Live in Denial So Much?

So we are all judgmental in the end. Whether we like it or not, we have all become judgmental in some way or the other. And who are there to blame? We blame it on civilization.

Look around. We are living in a highly civilized world where everything is possible. Where having to talk to someone a million miles away is possible, and sending money virtually is possible. If that's practical, well there's another two words that were derived from the technology that gave us civilization; internet dating.

This is where we start to become judgmental. And it grows in us like nobody's business.

We talk on the phone for hours without having to see the other person, building the setting in our head solely based on how the other speaker describes it. If it was claimed that they are by the beach while talking to us, then that will exist in our head. They might be hunting in the woods, but we didn't know that for sure.

We text irregardless of the time of day. Smiling and dreaming and smitten by the simple words said via text. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to the things written virtually by a number that we might barely know, because we depended on how we thought it sounds like when the person is actually saying it. We based it on how we let our mind evolved around that person.

We looked at the person's profile picture, and brings out the Crime Scene Investigator in us by creating a "profile" of the person. Party people, boring person, mysterious, too promiscuous, too rich, nice abs, workaholic. We created those in our minds and led ourselves to believe that.

We met via Tinder. We swiped right by whether or not we like the picture they showed. Imagine your whole life being summed up by a few pictures. That is how life became too simple for everyone. 5 pictures, and that says everything about you. Anything beyond what was not shown, are either not worthy to be told or too worthy to be told. A picture says a thousand words, they said.

That is how we judge. We became visual people. What you see is what you get has been taken way to literally. And we believed whatever limited information we have is enough to build a setting in our heads. We are, indeed, in love with our minds. We are all narcissists because of technology.

Whatever happened to the traditional way of communication? Where we meet over a meal and get to know the other person. I like having that touch of intimacy where we create small talks that may lead to deep conversations. Having to have spent some time letting curiosity builds up and letting it flows out the next time we meet. That joy of seeing the other person's expression while talking. And those small habitual movements that are their signature. Now, wouldn't that be impactful?

But there is no way of getting out of this. We are all in this together. And what do people like me who are not into this kind of civilization do? We survive. There must be a set of human out there within your locality who believes the same. But who are we kidding after all?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Penthouse Suites by Wise Blood

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Waiting Game

I think I deserve someone who gives two cents about what's happening in my days. Well, everyone deserves that.

SONG AT THE MOMENT : Lelaki by Yuna

Friday, January 2, 2015

A Hardcore State of Mind

How do feelings work?

It's not part of the anatomy of a human body. It's not an organ. It is supposed to be a part of your heart, but somehow it doesn't exist.

You can feel it, but where does it come from?
You can choose to forget about it though it will never really go away, but where do you keep it?
How do you know what to feel at that moment when there are no specific organ that produces a feeling?
How do you relate a feeling to what you see, or touch, or smell?
Why do they even exist?

I am becoming more confused with what I am currently feeling based on the state that I am in now. Cliche, because confuse itself is something that you feel.

2015 has started. 2014 didn't end with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me, which really indicates that my 2015 started in a rocky position. I need stability for myself this year and that will be something I'll fight for. I need to be good to myself and return the favor because last year has really worn me out. I've dug a hole for myself and I need to bring myself up and out and about. In one way or the other, I find it rather good to be starting your year in a shitty, or not, mediocre level. Because then you'll know that the only way to go is up.

Side track : I can never live with myself if I am in Hasnat Khan's position. Not being able to pour your soul to the person you chose who you think really deserves it can really kill you. Literally. Because no matter how many lies and denials you tell yourself, at one juncture, you will definitely realize that you've created a hollow life to live and that the only way you can cheat yourself to be happy is by living alone. You will be too damaged to even love anyone else.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : I Believe by Skye

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dear No One

It's those moments. Those moments you knew that even without having any expectations, the reality is really kicking you in the behind.

There are so many things jumbling and flying and messing around in my head.

Hati. Ia adalah sesuatu milik kita namun kita beri kepada orang lain untuk mereka jaga seperti ia juga milik mereka. Tetapi, kita tidak pernah diberi panduan atau nasihat kepada siapa akan kita beri hati itu. Hidup ini memang sesuatu yang penuh dengan tanda tanya. Ia memang dicipta dan dikarang supaya kita sentiasa bertanya; tentang keputusan kita, tentang perasaan kita, tentang realiti kita, tentang segala kemungkinan dan segalanya tentang kita.

Saya jatuh. Kalah. Kepada keputusan hati. Memang hidup ini aneh. Kita selalu menyangkakan yang keputusan kita betul. Namun saya mungkin salah. Salah kerana telah percaya bahawa hati ini boleh diberi kepada dia. Hidup ini aneh.

I gave my heart away, in a blink of an eye. Because I honestly, truly feel that that's the right person who came at the right time with all the right intentions. Things like that, we just knew; they said. I think I might be wrong. But somehow, I still hope I am not. Because that hunch you have in your heart, remains. Like it is conveying a strong message to me. Plus, they don't call it the main organ for no reason.

I just want to get out of this situation.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

She Said, Open Up Your Heart

Is this me settling down? Or is this me going through a phase?

I feel calmer in the love department. I don't demand for time and moments like a schoolgirl. I feel like I'm in  a good state of understanding and respect. And I'm striving to be a better me, not by being someone else, but by discovering myself.

I know the route I took to get here hurt a lot of people. Some fought this battle just to be disappointed at the end. Some tried hard in the battle. This seems like the simplest and easiest words to be said, but maybe the war is not theirs to be won.

I thank Him. And I thank him. For making life more bearable to be lived. Music sounds better. Things seems better. I feel better.

"Kalau dia orang nya, dekat dekat kan lah. Kalau bukan dia orang nya, jauh jauh kan lah."

SONG OF THE MOMENT :  Turn Your Lights Down Low by Bob Marley

Monday, September 29, 2014

Oh Daddy, Daddy

The thing about us women is that though we let our hearts make the decisions, or minds are constantly thinking. Talking. And that is where men play their role. They can guide us by showing us what they feel. So we can stop listening to these small, insecure voices in our heads and start embracing and sharing the feelings that were made obvious to us.

We don't play games; we think we are in a game. And not just about everyone can bring us back down to reality.

Show me. Don't tell me. Do what you feel is right; not what you think is right.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Flawless by The Neighbourhood

Monday, August 25, 2014

English Rose

It makes me feel like throwing up. Visiting a same place, going in and out of it over and over again, like visiting a prisoner, makes me want to throw up.

Aren't we all sick and tires in moving around in circles, trying to figure out where is the end and where is the start of this circle?

Where is the the definitive point in our life? We need an anchor to keep us grounded. To keep us alive while coping with the fast current of life. I want to cry, thinking and reminiscing what is this circle I'm experiencing. It's moving faster than I can control and I am getting lost in these movements. It makes me feel like throwing up.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : You and I by John Legend

Friday, August 22, 2014

Return on Investment

Are all love the same? Do people fall in love and acted the same? Is love a template experienced by different sets of people? Can we expect the same as we've seen in other people?

We all wanted so much, whether in agony, in realization, in denial or in subconscious mind. We have always wanted so much.

We can't control what we want. But what's worse is we can never control what we would/could/should receive.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Big Jet Plane by Angus & Julia Stone

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


Don't play the game you're playing. Stop.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Pull Me Down by Mikky Ekko

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

There Are Two Types of Men; A Companion or A Cushion

What you are is a realization. Of what my life is and how I wish it would be in the future.

I wish you knew.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Stay High by Tove Lo ft Hippie Sabotage

Friday, July 25, 2014

Statue Status

Not everything is black or white. Sometimes, well most times, we are actually in grey areas.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Gold by Adventure Club ft Yuna

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Jump on The Premier Wagon

Sibuk sangat nak hidup macam dalam cerita TV, macam dalam cerita wayang.

The choices we make is something that we have to live with. We might regret it sooner or later, but we might also cherish it sooner or later.

Life works that way for us. It's unpredictable. We have total control of the things we do but we don't have control of what we feel. What we feel now might differ with what we are feeling the next hour. It's a roller coaster ride. It goes up and down as it wish and leave us feeling dizzy and confused along the way.

Never should we say that we make wrong choices. Maybe they are not smart choices, but they're not wrong. We should never live with guilt of making our own lives "wrong". There are ways to correct them. There are ways to redeem them back. There are ways to make yourself at least a little bit "right".

I am at a crossing point of a 4-junction road. Which direction should I bring myself to go?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Down by The Kooks

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Peachy Keen

Not everyone is lucky. Some people got lost in translation while finding that luck.

You are lucky enough if you are able to make your hobby as ambition and your ambition as hobby. I don't consider myself as lucky. But I think I am not lost in my own translation of luck.

If you ask a 10-year old me, what do I want to be when I grow up, I think I would most probably say I don't know yet. Maybe a lawyer.
If you ask a 17-year old me, what do I want to be when I grow up, I think I would probably say the same. Maybe an engineer.
If you ask me now, what do I want to be when I am already a grown up, I think I have no idea. Maybe just about anything that I'm able to do.

Ambition. What does it mean? It's a premature expectation of abilities that we assume we are able to acquire based on set of skills and talents that we think we have or will have. In that sense, I am ambition-less.

I wake up, I go to work and think, what have I learnt all these while? Because that premature expectations of acquiring abilities for myself that I had before, is not in line to what I am acquiring in real time. But really, it's not that bad because I am actually on track.

There are always things that you lost in the fire. There are always two sides of a coin. There are always profit and losses in our every decisions. I think I don't make sense. But not everyone is lucky, if you know what I mean.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Run by Daughter

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


It's 6th today. It should've been 6th. But it's not 6th. But it is actually 6th anyways.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra

Monday, July 7, 2014

Knock Knock Knock on the Door

Dear Anonymous(es),

To deliver a message across, harsh language will not bring us anywhere.
And I don't write about myself all the time. There are hundreds of people out there that my two eyes see everyday.
Thank you for visiting my ramblings at such early morning where most people are actually getting ready to start work. I take it as a compliment.

I hope you're reading this humble thank you note.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Bones by Josh Record

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Ten Speed, Press and Shut.

So I've been thinking.

There are various stages in every process and phases in life - pre, while and post. Which is interrelated and basically leads one to the other. I always have different narration voices that plays automatically in my head.

Relationship is not easy. It's a mess. Like something in your heart puked and left your brain to clean it up. To a woman, the highlight of a man is during the pre- process. Where they were chased and convinced to step into a relationship with the man. You can never expect an apple to fall down the tree by itself all the time. You either shake the tree or get the bad ones if you choose to just wait bluntly. Yes, sometimes you may be lucky. But, oh well, not all the time.

There is always a side that loses during the pre- process. Usually the biggest feeling is loss. It's such a loss to have someone ready on the edge of the cliff to jump together with you, but you chickened out and decided to see the other person jump on their own instead. It's such a shame.

Personally, I like efforts. I think all women like efforts. Effort shows how charismatic and reliable a man is. It is a mirror to their soul, a window to a future with them.

Always treat pre-relationship process like direct selling. Or marketing. You HAVE to convince the potential buyer to actually buy your product. You are obligated to tell the potential buyer what is the benefits of buying your product. You HAVE to convince. Or else, you'll end up going home at the end of the day with unsold products and thinking "Why didn't I try harder just now? What if I did?" Because like it or not, nobody is going to spend their money to buy your product if they are not convinced.

In my case, I'm not buying anything if I am not convinced. Time is the currency that we are using here and I ain't got no extra time to spend on something not worth buying.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Fitzpleasure by Alt-J

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Adakah Sinar Itu Kamu?

Kita semua dilahirkan dengan kesakitan mental yang tersendiri. Kita mungkin tak sedar apakah kesakitan yang dicipta untuk kita, tetapi kita tahu ada sesuatu tentang diri kita yang lain. Seperti tidak kena.

Ada yang selalu merasakan dirinya kurang cerdik, kurang bijak. 
Ada yang selalu merasakan dirinya hilang dalam arus kehidupan.
Ada yang suka menutup kekurangan diri dengan penipuan.
Ada yang leka dan lalai lalu mempergunakan orang lain.
Ada yang selesa dengan kehidupan dan lupa siapa dia.
Ada yang terlalu menginginkan yang terbaik dari orang lain sehingga dia melemaskan orang itu.
Itu semua kesakitan mental yang tidak kita sedari dan tidak kita endahkan kerana pada mata kasar kita, itu hanyalah perbuatan seharian. Namun sebenarnya, itu semua perlahan lahan membentuk kesakitan mental kita yang tersendiri.

Saya tahu apa kesakitan yang dicipta untuk saya. Saya gemar menongkah arus. Seperti tiada daya untuk saya melawannya. Dan semakin lama saya hidup dengan kesakitan itu, semakin dalam terasa kesan yang ia tinggalkan pada saya.

Kita semua dilahirkan dengan kesakitan mental yang tersendiri. Ia dicipta untuk kita belajar hidup dengan cekal. Manusia sentiasa belajar dari kesilapan. Namun terkadang, jalan itu sedikit panjang dan menyeksakan. 

Saya mahu pasti. Pasti tentang pilihan dan keputusan. 

LAGU SAAT INI : Lights - Seven Collar T-Shirt

All I Wanted is Probably All You Wanted Too

All I ever wanted is to move freely in my space.
All I ever wanted is to say exactly what was on my mind.
All I ever wanted is to be what I wanted be.

We are all bounded by so many restrictions in life that we tend to lose sight of what we actually wanted to feel. We are constantly caught in loopholes that drowns us. We always have to hold our tongue for the sake of the comfort of others. We say yes to obey and follow the lead.

I want to lead. I want to fly. I want to dance in a formal ceremony. I want to say exactly what was on my mind, like how good you smell today or how I think you're nice.

I think you're nice.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Terms and Conditions by Chet Faker

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Turn Down The Volume, Slow Down The Pace

I haven't been writing for so long. It feels so strange. I pound the keyboard so hard just to remind myself of how it used to make me feel. I used to feel liberated whenever I wrote. I gives me this silent comfort knowing that there is always a channel for me to let something in me go.

But I guess that doesn't exist anymore.

I am too busy in my daily life to make ends meet. I am too busy being swallowed into the world up to a point that I forgot to do things that liberated my soul.

When I wake up in the morning, at times I don't even look forward to spend the day. I guess, my life became tasteless. So much that I forgot how to make myself feel. I forgot how to feel. And it is going to kill me slowly. It hurts when you have to tell yourself that you are slowly fading and all the joy you wish for yourself are so distant.

I forgot how to feel.


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

C, for Crocodile Hunter.

Komitmen. Satu perkataan dalam Bahasa Melayu yang amat ringkas, tetapi sebenarnya amat mendalam.


The word comes together with its own baggage. It is something you have to carry and can never leave it behind. It is a word that can wear you off someday, if you let it get to you.

I am a very monogomous person, so I thought. I believe in polygamy, but I don't intend in practising them, so I thought. So I submerged myself in a journey that includes the big C.

But it wore me off.

What I thought of myself all these while has definitely proven that I am wrong. Very wrong. I discovered that I am afraid of commitment. Not that I refuse to commit, but I don't think I can live up to the word's standards -- its lifestyle, its responsibilities.

I became the way I am because of various reasons, I assume. But those reasons are now affecting one particular portion of my life. My relationships. My relationship are tarnished and tainted by my own fear of taking things to the next level.

I am a product of my own self issues. I am a product of my own fear. I am a product of myself.

Maybe one day, I'll be convinced enough by a man and his love to the point where I won't be afraid of the C word.

I'll wait patiently. But really, not for that man to come. But for myself to be done. And eventually, C.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Video Games by Lana del Rey

Friday, November 25, 2011

Demoralizing Pickles

I know that I might not be good in everything. I'm a mediocre type of person, where I do everything averagely. But that doesn't mean that I can't try to be better at it. I can learn. And I think it's your job to help me to improve. Because by doing so, I will be able to help you too.

I hate it when people who don't know me, just judge me based on that slight piece of information that they know. Sorry, I reached my boiling point and you just lost a little of my respect. Everytime I think of your face, it makes me mad.

The moral that I've learnt here is that, do not judge someone solely on what you knew. Take time to evolve with them. That is when someone's worth is at its maximum, when they're trying to be better.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : You Learnt by Bo Amir Iqram

Saturday, November 19, 2011


My mother is an Indonesian. Her birth place, her citizenship, her language, her cooking. Everything she is, by far, is very Indonesian.

My father is a Malaysian, born and raised. From him that I've gotten all things Malaysian about me.

Who am I to talk about history or culture or politics or social issues? But I am what I called, of a mixed heritage. And these two countries are one of those in the world that shares so much, yet seems so intolerant about it.

I grew up living in Malaysia and I am very proud of what we have here in Malaysia, especially our ability to move forward and the privileges that we are able to give our people. And in that home, I grew up with all the Indonesian words and courtesies and I watched all my family members evolved to respect the country.

I understand that Malaysians are too used to the stigma that Indonesians are of lower standard, especially when they have someone they called bibik cleaning after their home. And I see people around me throw nasty comments about Indonesians. Boy, was I offended.

Because of all these, I developed a habit. I am usually in awe with people who falls in love with Indonesia. Be it the environment, the people, the language or anything there are about Indonesia. I find those people to be in a higher standard than anyone else. Because they are able to see light in a dark place, literally.

So, I would really be honored if I can find more people who really fell in love with Indonesia. And vice versa when I am able to find Indonesians who fell in love with Malaysians, which really, is not a hard thing to do.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : 19 Stars by Meg and Dia Band

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Diverging the Margin

Life has been crazy dull lately. And I constantly find myself in a rage that I don't even understand and know about. They just exist.

Everything seems like they're not functioning well enough to my definition. Even worse, I kept submerging myself and my imaginations into all these TV series that I'm watching. Like seriously, that is NOT a healthy lifestyle.

Knight in shining armour, where art thou?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Come As You Are by Yuna

Thursday, June 9, 2011

People Are Going To Gag

It has been 35 months since the day I said "Okay". I still remember that day. We were at Swenz, Sunway Penang. He was relatively small back then. He has grown so much since that day. But it's okay, babyboo, no worries because I still love you just the same.

We've had some very good times together. And also had crazy fights which I believe the world agrees.

I ran out of words whenever I wish to talk about you and I don't know why. But I guess, deep inside you already know what I'll say about you.

Lovers who love truly do not write down their happiness. -Anatole France

The oh-so-many faces of you. He is actually, such a clown. I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Knock Knock, Who's There?

You don't have to do this, James. You know all you have to do is just ask, right? ;)

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Lyric on My Lips by MC Tali

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Bye Bye, Blackbird.

Death is like seeing a bird that once held fly away.

You know it won't come back. You know you had ample time to caress and touch and love the bird. You know the bird is flying to a place that it'll love. You'll be sad for one moment, and when sanity hits you, you know that it's for the best. Smile for the bird. Let it go with full honesty.

I know you'll be amongst the great ones up there. I'll be here thinking of you each day and pray for you. I had lots of good times with you, though we weren't always together. To verbally state what you've brought to my life won't ever be enough to even visualize what I really feel inside. I just hope that one day, I'll join you in heaven.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Fallen by 30 Seconds to Mars

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Funny Creatures We Are, Aren't We?

That's the thing about leaving. You always want to have the feelings that you have another soft surface that you can fall into before you leave. Having that soft surface is like having a guarantee.

An assurance that when all hell breaks loose; you’ll have a place to go to, a person to walk to, a heart to talk to. THAT is something that you got to have before leaving, and believe it or not, THAT is also what makes you stay.

See, as long as you haven’t found that surface, you’re going to just suck it up and stay in that same old relationship for far way too long than you can ever imagine. Even if it hurts all tiny bones of yours, you’ll stay because you don’t want to end up crying alone at night. Nobody wants to be that person. The moment you found that surface, you or anybody in this existence will not hesitate to leave. In other words, that surface that we’ve all been searching for is called a substitute.

Nobody wants to be the substitute, but nonetheless, everybody will find a substitute first before any sudden death movements. Human beings are really funny creatures.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Entah by Afgan

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Whose Shoe is A Dirty Shoe?

One thing led to another. And God always finds His way to show our wrongdoings. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the mistakes I've made to you. I know, I also have gazillion of mistakes to other people, but you are such a good person at heart, it breaks my heart to see you fall and cry.

It always takes one major mistake to get it right. I regret having this mistake to exist all through my existence, but I hope it will teach me a lesson.

I am sorry.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Main Hati by Andra & The Backbone

Monday, April 4, 2011


I said goodbye. I chose for it to be that way. Maybe not for eternity, maybe it's just temporary. But maybe not for temporary, maybe it's for eternity. We never know what the future holds.

I said goodbye. But I find it hard to chew the information when I saw you visualizing it. It just hit me that this is a two-way street.

I said goodbye. I played all the aching songs. I played all songs about regret, about endings. But even I don't know if it's healthy or not.

I said goodbye. You said goodbye. We said goodbye to something so beautiful, something so rare that people craves for it.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Highway To Hell by Maroon 5

Shoot Me, Kill Me

I can't run from wanting to know what you're doing.
I can't avoid wanting to dial your number and tell you my silly ramblings.
I can't say I can stop thinking about you.

I realized those whenever we're in a foul mood. But if we're on our normal days where the waves aren't high and the winds aren't strong, I can't help but think about What-If?

What if we can ditch time?
What if you are more of Qi Razali than who you are?
What if I got to alter you the way I want you to be?
What if we decided to end this and watch each other from afar?

You didn't break my heart, but instead we broke ours. And I apologize to you for that. I didn't mean it to be this way, but trust me, you are the best guy I've ever loved. I just wish that you will be the man I can continue loving.

Viva forever,
I'll be waiting,
Everlasting like the sun,
Live forever,
For the moment,
Ever searching for the one.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Hold On by Good Charlotte

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Of Oranges and Bananas

Human beings are constantly scared. I am constantly scared. It is because of that, we always refrain ourselves from doing things that we secretly wish we can do.

We are scared that the ones we care about will someday leave us. We are scared of putting our hands in the water. We are scared to try new things. We are scared to move on from a bad heartache. We are scared to love someone else after we're broken. We are scared of death. We are scared of telling what we really, truly feel inside. We are scared of our own emotions. We are scared to say I Love You to our parents. We are scared of doing something good for ourselves.

I can't tell how much I'm scared each day.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Something About The Way You Look Tonight by Sir Elton John

Monday, March 28, 2011

Blue Bottle Runs Cold

There's nothing I want more than to grow old with you, and sit reminiscing all that we have. I wish to live like Allie and Noah, the part where after all the journey, we found each other again. Yes, this is a love-hate relationship that we're having, but at least, it's you that I come home to.

Be a boy with me, be a man with me.

SONG AT THE MOMENT : Cryin' by Aerosmith

Friday, March 4, 2011

Hey Mama Addiction

I had a good day somewhere around past couple of weeks. I went to fly a kite.

See, life is like flying a kite. To initiate the flying, you have to let it go. Let it feel the wind and it will soon raise up itself as the wind carry it along. Once it's up there in the wide sky, you have to monitor them by keep holding on to the string. That is the least that we can do. We don't know what might happen to our kite, what it might encounter, whom it might bump into. Those are things which are out of our control, because we are only standing at far.

But when suddenly something interfere or intervenes with your kite that might affect its flying, you pull the string slowly. You navigate them, you stabilize them. And when the coast is clear, you let them go and they'll navigate themselves again.

With kites, you can never pull too hard or let go too much. That's how it is with life. You cannot be too intense with it, or everything around you will strain together with it. And you definitely cannot ignore it too much as it will soon fly away from your grasps.

I wish life is as easy as all the philosophies that tried to explain what life really is and how to treat life good. Different lives have different ups and downs. Different lives need different navigation, and softness, and roughness.

So, be good to life. And thus, life will be good to you too.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Robocop by Kanye West

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Crescent Row

I can't say that I have a hard relationship. Nor did I have an easy one. But I am grateful for what I've been given with - YOU

Thank you for those times where you stood by me when no one else would.
Thank you for pushing me so that I always take my medications whenever I'm sick.
Thank you for waiting for me when you finished class earlier, and you fell asleep on the table.
Thank you for picking up my angry calls even though you hated it.
Thank you for those late night snacks you send me when I complain that I'm not full after dinner.
Thank you for buying those Nasi Lemak that sells out fast in front of the apartment.
Thank you for letting me teach you how to flirt with other people.
Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made me.
Thank you for all the other things that I failed to blog today.

See, the truth is, I chose you. We chose each other. I know I may seem biased that I fancy you more rather than my family, which I really don't actually. But it's a true fact, that we chose to be like this. And I am truly honored that I, for once, have made the right choice.

I may loathe the whole idea of celebrating Valentine's Day, but because I assume that February 14th is a day to show love, this is my way to show love to you. Thank you for every tiny bits you've done that have changed me to the better.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : You Learnt by Bo Amir Iqram

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Saw, I Dream

I feel like marrying Chuck Bass. If I can have those mysterious, brooding eyes and charisma, then damn, I'll be married as fast as I could.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Salvation by The Cranberries

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sam I Am

When two people decide that they want to be in a relationship together, they are aware that they are going to give full commitment and undivided attention to their better half. And they are doing this on their on will, and not on someone else's.

And when this happen, they also understood that the relationship doesn't have a specific expiry date, a guarantee nor does it come with any warranty card. This means that, this relationship either work or doesn't, and nobody knows the answer.

In other words, we are gambling. We are constantly taking risks.

But sometimes, we doubt ourselves along the way. We look at someone else. We are with someone else. In a simpler word, we cheat. People cheat for 2 reasons :

1) They are not able to give the best to their partner and is expecting more, or
2) Their partner are not able to give them the best and is expecting more.

Most of the time, we don't cheat with others just because we stopped loving our partner. It just crossed our mind to do so, because as I said earlier, relationships doesn't come with a guarantee.

Trust me, later in our life we'll find ourself snapping back to reality. And loving our partner is the best thing to do. People who cheats always go back to the start, because they realized that they've picked the best for themselves. Even if it does not have any guarantee.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Got Your Back by TI feat Keri Hilson

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

From Aiyo to Froyo

Women are selfish. That's one way to look at it, but I chose to look from a totally different perspective.

Women, or girls when they're younger, are human beings whom are love to be loved. And adore to be adored. They love it when you praise them, look after them, care for them, and be able to look in their eye and stay true.

I now prefer to write short blogs as I tend to lose my attention. And yes, I admit, I am selfish too. I do exactly what the media has said about what women do.

There are two things that I think is very much accurate to counter-attack the statement above.

1) Women will one day become selfless in love once they found a soft spot for them to let their hair down in the relationship, when the can love with full trust and be loved for their imperfections.

2) Women don't know what they want. So keep showering them with all you've got. Because maybe one day, because of those actions, they suddenly know what they want.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : One In A Million by Ne-Yo

Friday, December 31, 2010

Marry Me, G

Ingin Putus Saja by Gamaliel, Audrey, Cantika

Damn. The Tapiherus are super hot!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Make All of This Dissappear

I haven't been writing in AGES. And honestly, I don't write because there's too much things in my head. But I can't seem to get it out.

1) I wish I have loads of time and money. I just want to bake my nerves out. Though I ain't no expert in baking, I love how baking makes me feel. It makes me feel relieved, like there's nothing I should care about. Not even the criticism I'll receive eventually. I just don't care. That is why I bake when I'm facing something, because I wish I can just shut everything and don't care.

2) When things aged, we need to do alternative things to spice it up. So that we can search the inner interest and put it on track again. Thus, came this : CLICK ME! It's nothing but it meant something to me.

3) God, I wish I have more space. Please let me be who I always be.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : I'll Be Waiting by Lenny Kravitz

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It's a Bird, It's Superman?

At some point, everybody wants to be free. They want to be set free. Like a dove, caged and waiting to just fly. That's the reason behind the phrase "Fly Like a Bird".

I, at some point, wanted to be free too. I want to walk without having to tell someone. I want to lay naked on the floor without being afraid of others. I want to sing, shout and cook at the same time. I want to stay sloppy in front of the TV all month long.

No wonder sometimes, people want to move out of their parents' house.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : 12.51 by The Strokes

Friday, August 6, 2010

I See Different

It has really been quite a while. Things have change. A lot of things changed.

Being away from someone who has always been your support system is something that I have been doing almost my whole life. I am okay with being away from those whom I prefer to be near to me. But this time around, I guess it's pretty different as this person is someone I chose, not someone who has been picked for me. As to that fact, it means that there's a 50-50 chance of losing the person. But what kept us strong? Our fascinating facts. :)

Bachelor of Engineering ( Hons) Civil.
Things are different. The people are different. The location is different. The smell is different. The ritual is different. The weather is damn different. But it revolves around the same stuff.

I was like someone who tried to swim in the river when she doesn't know how to swim. I was gasping, choking at my early time here. But I managed well.

Now I am moving permanently to Shah Alam. I guess it will be totally different. Period.

I think I am changing 360. Everything is, well, different.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Bang by Rye Rey ft. MIA

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Stories, Anyone?

Everybody has a story. And that story shows how courageous we are in life. I'm not sure whether I have a story worth telling. But I know a story worth telling and worth certified as life lived courageously.

She has 17 children for which she raised herself. Her husband died when her youngest child is only 2 months old. She lived by the river in Medan, and lived a very hard life. She managed to put all her children through school, graduated and became someone. One of her daughter died of extreme abuse by her husband. And she couldn't do anything as her voice was not heard, believed coming from her lack of financial ability. Currently, 11 of her children are married and she is supporting another 6 at home. To support her children all these while, she did cleaning works at various houses. And recently, she started becoming a domestic worker agent where she search for any domestic workforce in her area. To add to my awe, she is illiterate. She can't read. And I imagined, how she had done it all.

Maybe there are stories put there that we have yet heard of. But I believe that this woman's story is a gem.

A woman is at her strongest when she is 'Mother' mode.

So, what is your story?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : I Want You To by Weezer

Friday, May 14, 2010

Sparkling Is Not Alcoholic.

Never, as in ever, befriend the guy that you used to have a crush on. Or let the guy who have a crush on you to befriend you.

What I meant with the said statement is, don't be best friends. Because you can never run, from your feelings, from the fact, from the history, from the awkwardness. One day, trust me, what you thought has reached the deep end, will eventually come to the surface again.

No level of intimacy will delete the fact that you used to like this guy, or vice versa. It's either you face it or not. Under certain circumstances, I think it is kind of true with the saying " Men and women will never be just friends".

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Drummer Boys by Debi Nova

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Terima Kasih Daun Keladi

So here it is. I finished my Diploma in Civil Engineering. Honestly, I love the course. I just hate the place. Penang oh Penang, how I hate you.


SONG OF THE MOMENT : Get Free by The Vines

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Am Rachel, Not Sarah

We all watch movies every day. Deep inside our mind, heart and soul, we wish to have a bit of the movie instilled in our lives. We all do. Even in our sub-conscious dreams.

I am not a sinner for wanting my life to be like in the movies. I believe that one day, someone will turn my life into one. Someone will make my days as if there’s a director telling him what to do next. In fact, i even wish that that person is the director himself, not the actor. Actors act, directors do.

I know, most people will find it ridiculous that i want my life to be that way. Maybe simply because the one i have now gives me major headaches almost every single day. People say that the reason why i am like that is because i am dissatisfied with my days. Maybe, but maybe not.

Don’t ever say to me that life in the movies does not exist. They do. I saw it with my eyes, but in other peoples’ lives. Is it wrong if I secretly wish that they were mine instead?

But up until now, sadly, my life is just a plain life. Someone please save me. Either saves me by bringing me out of this fantasy, or by turning my life into real characters.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Again by Lady Gaga

Friday, April 2, 2010

I Need?

I always thought that a person is like a game or a puzzle.

Some people are made to be like Crossword Puzzle : where you have a guideline, and you have to find it.
Some people are like Mystery Puzzle : where you have to pay the extra effort to know this particular person.
Some people are like Monopoly : the more you have, the more he/she opens up to you.
Some people are like Twister : they are one complicated creature, but never impossible.

You can identify what game a person is if you pay attention and analyze the person.

Certain people has been identifying me as a hard person. And never in my mind I disagree with that. But I don't even know at which level of hardness I am currently in.

A few things has parked their asses in my mind lately :

  • I seldom understand people who doesn't have any clue on what they want to be in their future life. Note, not what they are going to do, mind you. I don't even know what am I gonna do in my future. But at least I have a clue on what I want to be.
    Maybe it's a bad choice, maybe it's not even close to being right, but at least it's something. Just go for it. Take a risk. But seriously, don't you have any ambitions when you were small?

  • At some point, I hate it when people became dependent on me. Regarding anything. When to do this, how to go there, which to pick, what not to do. I don't like it because when I work, it relates with my mood. If I am not in the mood to do so, trust me, you'll get nothing. But once I am, everything around me turns into a black hole.
    But heck yeah I can force myself to do it. But compared to when I got 'it'? Pfft.

  • I am not going to say "Relationship is like a battlefield". No. To me, relationship is like baking. You are not born to know how to bake. You learn it. Everybody can bake once they know how to. But do they taste good? To bake something tasty, you gotta have the passion and the feel and the love. Even when you baked something nasty, keep trying. If you have the drive to still want to bake, one day you will bake something nice. Just like being in a relationship.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Hungover by Ke$ha

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Thanks A Lot.

You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm red flashing lights
Well this time I'm goin' to watch myself die

I think I made it a game to play your games
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So I could shut you out
And let you go away for a long time

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask

I think the chain broke away
And I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine
But it was worth the night
I caught an early flight and I made it at home

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that

My foot on your neck
I finally have you
Right where I want you

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
(I guess it's okay I puked the day away)
Nicer than that
(I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way)

And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Buried Myself Alive by The Used

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Pass That Dutch!

I don't fancy these two. But as a pair, they spell awesome. Googling the two names combined puts smile to my face. :) Please send your love here, ZV.

This reminds me of you greatly. Love is a fun thing to watch and feel, no?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Funny Little Feeling by Rock 'n' Roll Soldiers

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Someone Help Me.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Kau Kunci Cintaku by Ramlah Ram