C, for Crocodile Hunter.

Komitmen. Satu perkataan dalam Bahasa Melayu yang amat ringkas, tetapi sebenarnya amat mendalam.

Commitment.

The word comes together with its own baggage. It is something you have to carry and can never leave it behind. It is a word that can wear you off someday, if you let it get to you.

I am a very monogomous person, so I thought. I believe in polygamy, but I don't intend in practising them, so I thought. So I submerged myself in a journey that includes the big C.

But it wore me off.

What I thought of myself all these while has definitely proven that I am wrong. Very wrong. I discovered that I am afraid of commitment. Not that I refuse to commit, but I don't think I can live up to the word's standards -- its lifestyle, its responsibilities.

I became the way I am because of various reasons, I assume. But those reasons are now affecting one particular portion of my life. My relationships. My relationship are tarnished and tainted by my own fear of taking things to the next level.

I am a product of my own self issues. I am a product of my own fear. I am a product of myself.

Maybe one day, I'll be convinced enough by a man and his love to the point where I won't be afraid of the C word.

I'll wait patiently. But really, not for that man to come. But for myself to be done. And eventually, C.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Video Games by Lana del Rey

Demoralizing Pickles

I know that I might not be good in everything. I'm a mediocre type of person, where I do everything averagely. But that doesn't mean that I can't try to be better at it. I can learn. And I think it's your job to help me to improve. Because by doing so, I will be able to help you too.

I hate it when people who don't know me, just judge me based on that slight piece of information that they know. Sorry, I reached my boiling point and you just lost a little of my respect. Everytime I think of your face, it makes me mad.

The moral that I've learnt here is that, do not judge someone solely on what you knew. Take time to evolve with them. That is when someone's worth is at its maximum, when they're trying to be better.



SONG OF THE MOMENT : You Learnt by Bo Amir Iqram

Awe.

My mother is an Indonesian. Her birth place, her citizenship, her language, her cooking. Everything she is, by far, is very Indonesian.

My father is a Malaysian, born and raised. From him that I've gotten all things Malaysian about me.

Who am I to talk about history or culture or politics or social issues? But I am what I called, of a mixed heritage. And these two countries are one of those in the world that shares so much, yet seems so intolerant about it.

I grew up living in Malaysia and I am very proud of what we have here in Malaysia, especially our ability to move forward and the privileges that we are able to give our people. And in that home, I grew up with all the Indonesian words and courtesies and I watched all my family members evolved to respect the country.

I understand that Malaysians are too used to the stigma that Indonesians are of lower standard, especially when they have someone they called bibik cleaning after their home. And I see people around me throw nasty comments about Indonesians. Boy, was I offended.

Because of all these, I developed a habit. I am usually in awe with people who falls in love with Indonesia. Be it the environment, the people, the language or anything there are about Indonesia. I find those people to be in a higher standard than anyone else. Because they are able to see light in a dark place, literally.

So, I would really be honored if I can find more people who really fell in love with Indonesia. And vice versa when I am able to find Indonesians who fell in love with Malaysians, which really, is not a hard thing to do.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : 19 Stars by Meg and Dia Band

Diverging the Margin

Life has been crazy dull lately. And I constantly find myself in a rage that I don't even understand and know about. They just exist.

Everything seems like they're not functioning well enough to my definition. Even worse, I kept submerging myself and my imaginations into all these TV series that I'm watching. Like seriously, that is NOT a healthy lifestyle.

Knight in shining armour, where art thou?



SONG OF THE MOMENT : Come As You Are by Yuna

People Are Going To Gag

It has been 35 months since the day I said "Okay". I still remember that day. We were at Swenz, Sunway Penang. He was relatively small back then. He has grown so much since that day. But it's okay, babyboo, no worries because I still love you just the same.

We've had some very good times together. And also had crazy fights which I believe the world agrees.

I ran out of words whenever I wish to talk about you and I don't know why. But I guess, deep inside you already know what I'll say about you.

Lovers who love truly do not write down their happiness. -Anatole France

The oh-so-many faces of you. He is actually, such a clown. I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

Knock Knock, Who's There?

You don't have to do this, James. You know all you have to do is just ask, right? ;)

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Lyric on My Lips by MC Tali

Bye Bye, Blackbird.

Death is like seeing a bird that once held fly away.

You know it won't come back. You know you had ample time to caress and touch and love the bird. You know the bird is flying to a place that it'll love. You'll be sad for one moment, and when sanity hits you, you know that it's for the best. Smile for the bird. Let it go with full honesty.

I know you'll be amongst the great ones up there. I'll be here thinking of you each day and pray for you. I had lots of good times with you, though we weren't always together. To verbally state what you've brought to my life won't ever be enough to even visualize what I really feel inside. I just hope that one day, I'll join you in heaven.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Fallen by 30 Seconds to Mars

Funny Creatures We Are, Aren't We?

That's the thing about leaving. You always want to have the feelings that you have another soft surface that you can fall into before you leave. Having that soft surface is like having a guarantee.

An assurance that when all hell breaks loose; you’ll have a place to go to, a person to walk to, a heart to talk to. THAT is something that you got to have before leaving, and believe it or not, THAT is also what makes you stay.

See, as long as you haven’t found that surface, you’re going to just suck it up and stay in that same old relationship for far way too long than you can ever imagine. Even if it hurts all tiny bones of yours, you’ll stay because you don’t want to end up crying alone at night. Nobody wants to be that person. The moment you found that surface, you or anybody in this existence will not hesitate to leave. In other words, that surface that we’ve all been searching for is called a substitute.

Nobody wants to be the substitute, but nonetheless, everybody will find a substitute first before any sudden death movements. Human beings are really funny creatures.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Entah by Afgan

Whose Shoe is A Dirty Shoe?

One thing led to another. And God always finds His way to show our wrongdoings. I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the mistakes I've made to you. I know, I also have gazillion of mistakes to other people, but you are such a good person at heart, it breaks my heart to see you fall and cry.

It always takes one major mistake to get it right. I regret having this mistake to exist all through my existence, but I hope it will teach me a lesson.

I am sorry.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Main Hati by Andra & The Backbone

Stutter.

I said goodbye. I chose for it to be that way. Maybe not for eternity, maybe it's just temporary. But maybe not for temporary, maybe it's for eternity. We never know what the future holds.

I said goodbye. But I find it hard to chew the information when I saw you visualizing it. It just hit me that this is a two-way street.

I said goodbye. I played all the aching songs. I played all songs about regret, about endings. But even I don't know if it's healthy or not.

I said goodbye. You said goodbye. We said goodbye to something so beautiful, something so rare that people craves for it.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Highway To Hell by Maroon 5

Shoot Me, Kill Me

I can't run from wanting to know what you're doing.

I can't avoid wanting to dial your number and tell you my silly ramblings.

I can't say I can stop thinking about you.

I realized those whenever we're in a foul mood. But if we're on our normal days where the waves aren't high and the winds aren't strong, I can't help but think about What-If?

What if we can ditch time?

What if you are more of Qi Razali than who you are?

What if I got to alter you the way I want you to be?

What if we decided to end this and watch each other from afar?

You didn't break my heart, but instead we broke ours. And I apologize to you for that. I didn't mean it to be this way, but trust me, you are the best guy I've ever loved. I just wish that you will be the man I can continue loving.

Viva forever,

I'll be waiting,

Everlasting like the sun,

Live forever,

For the moment,

Ever searching for the one.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Hold On by Good Charlotte

Of Oranges and Bananas

Human beings are constantly scared. I am constantly scared. It is because of that, we always refrain ourselves from doing things that we secretly wish we can do.

We are scared that the ones we care about will someday leave us. We are scared of putting our hands in the water. We are scared to try new things. We are scared to move on from a bad heartache. We are scared to love someone else after we're broken. We are scared of death. We are scared of telling what we really, truly feel inside. We are scared of our own emotions. We are scared to say I Love You to our parents. We are scared of doing something good for ourselves.

I can't tell how much I'm scared each day.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Something About The Way You Look Tonight by Sir Elton John

Blue Bottle Runs Cold

There's nothing I want more than to grow old with you, and sit reminiscing all that we have. I wish to live like Allie and Noah, the part where after all the journey, we found each other again. Yes, this is a love-hate relationship that we're having, but at least, it's you that I come home to.

Be a boy with me, be a man with me.

SONG AT THE MOMENT : Cryin' by Aerosmith

Hey Mama Addiction

I had a good day somewhere around past couple of weeks. I went to fly a kite.

See, life is like flying a kite. To initiate the flying, you have to let it go. Let it feel the wind and it will soon raise up itself as the wind carry it along. Once it's up there in the wide sky, you have to monitor them by keep holding on to the string. That is the least that we can do. We don't know what might happen to our kite, what it might encounter, whom it might bump into. Those are things which are out of our control, because we are only standing at far.

But when suddenly something interfere or intervenes with your kite that might affect its flying, you pull the string slowly. You navigate them, you stabilize them. And when the coast is clear, you let them go and they'll navigate themselves again.

With kites, you can never pull too hard or let go too much. That's how it is with life. You cannot be too intense with it, or everything around you will strain together with it. And you definitely cannot ignore it too much as it will soon fly away from your grasps.

I wish life is as easy as all the philosophies that tried to explain what life really is and how to treat life good. Different lives have different ups and downs. Different lives need different navigation, and softness, and roughness.

So, be good to life. And thus, life will be good to you too.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Robocop by Kanye West

Crescent Row

I can't say that I have a hard relationship. Nor did I have an easy one. But I am grateful for what I've been given with - YOU

Thank you for those times where you stood by me when no one else would.

Thank you for pushing me so that I always take my medications whenever I'm sick.

Thank you for waiting for me when you finished class earlier, and you fell asleep on the table.

Thank you for picking up my angry calls even though you hated it.

Thank you for those late night snacks you send me when I complain that I'm not full after dinner.

Thank you for buying those Nasi Lemak that sells out fast in front of the apartment.

Thank you for letting me teach you how to flirt with other people.

Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made me.

Thank you for all the other things that I failed to blog today.

See, the truth is, I chose you. We chose each other. I know I may seem biased that I fancy you more rather than my family, which I really don't actually. But it's a true fact, that we chose to be like this. And I am truly honored that I, for once, have made the right choice.

I may loathe the whole idea of celebrating Valentine's Day, but because I assume that February 14th is a day to show love, this is my way to show love to you. Thank you for every tiny bits you've done that have changed me to the better.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : You Learnt by Bo Amir Iqram

I Saw, I Dream

I feel like marrying Chuck Bass. If I can have those mysterious, brooding eyes and charisma, then damn, I'll be married as fast as I could.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Salvation by The Cranberries

Sam I Am

When two people decide that they want to be in a relationship together, they are aware that they are going to give full commitment and undivided attention to their better half. And they are doing this on their on will, and not on someone else's.

And when this happen, they also understood that the relationship doesn't have a specific expiry date, a guarantee nor does it come with any warranty card. This means that, this relationship either work or doesn't, and nobody knows the answer.

In other words, we are gambling. We are constantly taking risks.

But sometimes, we doubt ourselves along the way. We look at someone else. We are with someone else. In a simpler word, we cheat. People cheat for 2 reasons :

1) They are not able to give the best to their partner and is expecting more, or

2) Their partner are not able to give them the best and is expecting more.

Most of the time, we don't cheat with others just because we stopped loving our partner. It just crossed our mind to do so, because as I said earlier, relationships doesn't come with a guarantee.

Trust me, later in our life we'll find ourself snapping back to reality. And loving our partner is the best thing to do. People who cheats always go back to the start, because they realized that they've picked the best for themselves. Even if it does not have any guarantee.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Got Your Back by TI feat Keri Hilson

From Aiyo to Froyo

Women are selfish. That's one way to look at it, but I chose to look from a totally different perspective.

Women, or girls when they're younger, are human beings whom are love to be loved. And adore to be adored. They love it when you praise them, look after them, care for them, and be able to look in their eye and stay true.

I now prefer to write short blogs as I tend to lose my attention. And yes, I admit, I am selfish too. I do exactly what the media has said about what women do.

There are two things that I think is very much accurate to counter-attack the statement above.

1) Women will one day become selfless in love once they found a soft spot for them to let their hair down in the relationship, when the can love with full trust and be loved for their imperfections.

2) Women don't know what they want. So keep showering them with all you've got. Because maybe one day, because of those actions, they suddenly know what they want.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : One In A Million by Ne-Yo

Marry Me, G

Ingin Putus Saja by Gamaliel, Audrey, Cantika

Damn. The Tapiherus are super hot!

Make All of This Dissappear

I haven't been writing in AGES. And honestly, I don't write because there's too much things in my head. But I can't seem to get it out.

1) I wish I have loads of time and money. I just want to bake my nerves out. Though I ain't no expert in baking, I love how baking makes me feel. It makes me feel relieved, like there's nothing I should care about. Not even the criticism I'll receive eventually. I just don't care. That is why I bake when I'm facing something, because I wish I can just shut everything and don't care.

2) When things aged, we need to do alternative things to spice it up. So that we can search the inner interest and put it on track again. Thus, came this : CLICK ME! It's nothing but it meant something to me.

3) God, I wish I have more space. Please let me be who I always be.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : I'll Be Waiting by Lenny Kravitz

It's a Bird, It's Superman?

At some point, everybody wants to be free. They want to be set free. Like a dove, caged and waiting to just fly. That's the reason behind the phrase "Fly Like a Bird".

I, at some point, wanted to be free too. I want to walk without having to tell someone. I want to lay naked on the floor without being afraid of others. I want to sing, shout and cook at the same time. I want to stay sloppy in front of the TV all month long.

No wonder sometimes, people want to move out of their parents' house.


SONG OF THE MOMENT : 12.51 by The Strokes

I See Different

It has really been quite a while. Things have change. A lot of things changed.


Being away from someone who has always been your support system is something that I have been doing almost my whole life. I am okay with being away from those whom I prefer to be near to me. But this time around, I guess it's pretty different as this person is someone I chose, not someone who has been picked for me. As to that fact, it means that there's a 50-50 chance of losing the person. But what kept us strong? Our fascinating facts. :)


Bachelor of Engineering ( Hons) Civil.
Things are different. The people are different. The location is different. The smell is different. The ritual is different. The weather is damn different. But it revolves around the same stuff.

I was like someone who tried to swim in the river when she doesn't know how to swim. I was gasping, choking at my early time here. But I managed well.



Now I am moving permanently to Shah Alam. I guess it will be totally different. Period.


I think I am changing 360. Everything is, well, different.



SONG OF THE MOMENT : Bang by Rye Rey ft. MIA

Stories, Anyone?

Everybody has a story. And that story shows how courageous we are in life. I'm not sure whether I have a story worth telling. But I know a story worth telling and worth certified as life lived courageously.

She has 17 children for which she raised herself. Her husband died when her youngest child is only 2 months old. She lived by the river in Medan, and lived a very hard life. She managed to put all her children through school, graduated and became someone. One of her daughter died of extreme abuse by her husband. And she couldn't do anything as her voice was not heard, believed coming from her lack of financial ability. Currently, 11 of her children are married and she is supporting another 6 at home. To support her children all these while, she did cleaning works at various houses. And recently, she started becoming a domestic worker agent where she search for any domestic workforce in her area. To add to my awe, she is illiterate. She can't read. And I imagined, how she had done it all.

Maybe there are stories put there that we have yet heard of. But I believe that this woman's story is a gem.

A woman is at her strongest when she is 'Mother' mode.


So, what is your story?


SONG OF THE MOMENT : I Want You To by Weezer

Sparkling Is Not Alcoholic.

Never, as in ever, befriend the guy that you used to have a crush on. Or let the guy who have a crush on you to befriend you.

What I meant with the said statement is, don't be best friends. Because you can never run, from your feelings, from the fact, from the history, from the awkwardness. One day, trust me, what you thought has reached the deep end, will eventually come to the surface again.

No level of intimacy will delete the fact that you used to like this guy, or vice versa. It's either you face it or not. Under certain circumstances, I think it is kind of true with the saying " Men and women will never be just friends".


SONG OF THE MOMENT : Drummer Boys by Debi Nova

Terima Kasih Daun Keladi

So here it is. I finished my Diploma in Civil Engineering. Honestly, I love the course. I just hate the place. Penang oh Penang, how I hate you.

Danke.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Get Free by The Vines

I Am Rachel, Not Sarah

We all watch movies every day. Deep inside our mind, heart and soul, we wish to have a bit of the movie instilled in our lives. We all do. Even in our sub-conscious dreams.

I am not a sinner for wanting my life to be like in the movies. I believe that one day, someone will turn my life into one. Someone will make my days as if there’s a director telling him what to do next. In fact, i even wish that that person is the director himself, not the actor. Actors act, directors do.

I know, most people will find it ridiculous that i want my life to be that way. Maybe simply because the one i have now gives me major headaches almost every single day. People say that the reason why i am like that is because i am dissatisfied with my days. Maybe, but maybe not.

Don’t ever say to me that life in the movies does not exist. They do. I saw it with my eyes, but in other peoples’ lives. Is it wrong if I secretly wish that they were mine instead?

But up until now, sadly, my life is just a plain life. Someone please save me. Either saves me by bringing me out of this fantasy, or by turning my life into real characters.


SONG OF THE MOMENT : Again by Lady Gaga

I Need?

I always thought that a person is like a game or a puzzle.

Some people are made to be like Crossword Puzzle : where you have a guideline, and you have to find it.
Some people are like Mystery Puzzle : where you have to pay the extra effort to know this particular person.
Some people are like Monopoly : the more you have, the more he/she opens up to you.
Some people are like Twister : they are one complicated creature, but never impossible.

You can identify what game a person is if you pay attention and analyze the person.

Certain people has been identifying me as a hard person. And never in my mind I disagree with that. But I don't even know at which level of hardness I am currently in.

A few things has parked their asses in my mind lately :

• I seldom understand people who doesn't have any clue on what they want to be in their future life. Note, not what they are going to do, mind you. I don't even know what am I gonna do in my future. But at least I have a clue on what I want to be.

  Maybe it's a bad choice, maybe it's not even close to being right, but at least it's something. Just go for it. Take a risk. But seriously, don't you have any ambitions when you were small?

• At some point, I hate it when people became dependent on me. Regarding anything. When to do this, how to go there, which to pick, what not to do. I don't like it because when I work, it relates with my mood. If I am not in the mood to do so, trust me, you'll get nothing. But once I am, everything around me turns into a black hole.
  But heck yeah I can force myself to do it. But compared to when I got 'it'? Pfft.

• I am not going to say "Relationship is like a battlefield". No. To me, relationship is like baking. You are not born to know how to bake. You learn it. Everybody can bake once they know how to. But do they taste good? To bake something tasty, you gotta have the passion and the feel and the love. Even when you baked something nasty, keep trying. If you have the drive to still want to bake, one day you will bake something nice. Just like being in a relationship.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Hungover by Ke$ha

Thanks A Lot.

You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm red flashing lights
Well this time I'm goin' to watch myself die

I think I made it a game to play your games
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So I could shut you out
And let you go away for a long time

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask

I think the chain broke away
And I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine
But it was worth the night
I caught an early flight and I made it at home

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that

My foot on your neck
I finally have you
Right where I want you

I guess it's okay I puked the day away
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
(I guess it's okay I puked the day away)
Nicer than that
(I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way)

And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that



SONG OF THE MOMENT : Buried Myself Alive by The Used

Pass That Dutch!

I don't fancy these two. But as a pair, they spell awesome. Googling the two names combined puts smile to my face. :) Please send your love here, ZV.

This reminds me of you greatly. Love is a fun thing to watch and feel, no?

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Funny Little Feeling by Rock 'n' Roll Soldiers

Someone Help Me.

SONG OF THE MOMENT : Kau Kunci Cintaku by Ramlah Ram